While in Branson, Missouri last month we decided to go to the Dixie Stampede. The Dixie Stampede is a dinner show where the audience is divided into two teams which represent the two sides in the Civil War. My family rooted for the South.
Our team was the best in the various equestrian events, as was only appropriate as our side, the glorious South, was better than the North. Barrel racing, chuck wagon racing, and a relay race were among the events. Our Southern children were much better than the incompetent Northern children in chicken herding—we won the gold medal! Our side’s pigs even won the pig racing contest, twice. “Our pigs were better than your pigs” was our exclamation.
The food was good, but a word of warning—they do not give you silverware, so take your own.
While they did the disappearing fake audience member magic trick, I started to think. Thinking is probably a mistake in such a venue.
As we pounded our feet as we cheered our side on, I was thinking about the obligatory American Indian tribute we had seen earlier. While the North and South had many disagreements, the North and South did agree on one thing. The Indians must be destroyed. We needed the land. I pounded my feet with a little less vigor.
As we cheered our pigs to victory, I began to think. Does it really matter which pig wins? I cheered a little softer.
Was it really appropriate to take a war that killed 600,000 people and turn it into chicken herding or a three- legged race? (Where did they get those uncoordinated Northerners?) I did not participate much in the shouting contest.
Toward the end we had the typical Branson patriotic number sung on video by Dolly Parton. It was the same tape I saw at a previous Stampede 10 years before. This was before Dolly had ruined her looks with botched plastic surgery. I wondered how much longer our national plastic surgery could go on? Our national plastic surgery, the elections, will probably fail and we will end up worse than before.
Yes, the Civil War was bad, but now we can join together as Americans! Hurrah. Instead of killing each other, now we can kill other people.
I stopped cheering.
Does it really matter which pig will win the race? Does it really matter which overlord we elect? Are we, Republicans and Democrats, and yes even Libertarians, cheering meaninglessly for our side? Even if our side naturally won, are we so vain to think it matters?
If you vote for the lesser of two evils, aren’t you being evil?
Even if “our” pig is better than your pig, does it really matter whose pig wins?
